5 Mistakes That Can Hurt Your Custody Case

When parents go through divorce, emotions run high. It's natural to feel hurt, angry, and protective of your children. Unfortunately, these intense emotions can lead to behaviors that actually harm your custody case—even when you have the best intentions.

As family law attorneys, we've seen how certain common mistakes can undermine otherwise strong custody positions. Here are five critical errors to avoid and what to do instead.

Mistake #1: Speaking Negatively About the Other Parent

Why it's tempting: When you feel wronged by your spouse, venting about their failures seems reasonable. You might think you're just being honest with your children about why the marriage ended.

Why it hurts your case: Courts view this behavior extremely negatively. Speaking badly about the other parent:

• Shows poor judgment and inability to shield children from adult conflict
• Suggests you may not support the child's relationship with the other parent
• Can be considered a form of emotional harm to children
• May indicate future problems with co-parenting

This includes comments made to the children, to others where children might hear, and on social media.

• **What to do instead:**
• Vent to a therapist, trusted friend (away from children), or journal
• Use neutral language when discussing the other parent with children
• If children ask difficult questions, say "That's something for grown-ups to handle"
• Focus on your own relationship with your children, not criticizing the other parent

Mistake #2: Violating Court Orders

Why it's tempting: Court orders can feel arbitrary or unfair. You might think minor violations won't matter, or that the order doesn't make sense for your family.

Why it hurts your case: Violating court orders—even "small" violations—destroys your credibility and demonstrates disregard for legal authority. Common violations include:

• Keeping children past your parenting time
• Missing pickups or dropoffs
• Denying the other parent phone contact
• Moving without proper notification
• Not paying support on time

• **What to do instead:**
• Follow orders exactly, even if you disagree
• If an order isn't working, file a motion to modify it
• Document any issues with the current order
• Never take unilateral action to "correct" what seems unfair

Mistake #3: Using Children as Messengers or Spies

Why it's tempting: Direct communication with your ex may be difficult or contentious. Having children relay information seems easier. You might also want to know what's happening in the other home.

Why it hurts your case: This behavior:

• Puts children in an impossible position
• Shows inability to manage adult communication
• Can constitute emotional manipulation
• Often backfires when children tell evaluators they felt caught in the middle

• **What to do instead:**
• Use email, text, or a co-parenting app for communication
• Keep children out of adult logistics
• Don't interrogate children about the other home
• Let children share naturally without prompting
• If you have safety concerns, address them through proper channels

Mistake #4: Making Major Decisions Unilaterally

Why it's tempting: You've always made decisions about the children. Or you feel the other parent doesn't deserve input. Or you're worried they'll disagree and block something important.

Why it hurts your case: Making major decisions about the children without consulting the other parent—especially during divorce proceedings—suggests:

• Inability to co-parent effectively
• Disrespect for the other parent's role
• Willingness to cut the other parent out
• Poor communication skills

This includes changing schools, starting therapy, making medical decisions, enrolling in activities, or planning travel without discussion.

• **What to do instead:**
• Discuss major decisions with the other parent in writing
• Give reasonable time for response
• If you can't agree, seek guidance from your attorney
• Document your attempts to communicate and cooperate

Mistake #5: New Partner Drama

Why it's tempting: You've moved on. You're happy. You want your children to know your new partner. You're excited about your new life.

Why it hurts your case: Introducing new partners too quickly or allowing them to create conflict can:

• Suggest poor judgment about children's emotional needs
• Create instability during an already difficult time
• Lead to conflicts that harm your case
• Make children feel replaced or uncomfortable

• **What to do instead:**
• Wait to introduce new partners until your divorce is further along
• Introduce new partners gradually and age-appropriately
• Never speak badly about your ex's new partner
• Don't have new partners present during exchanges
• Keep new partners out of co-parenting communications and decisions

The Bigger Picture: What Courts Want to See

Colorado courts decide custody based on the best interests of the child. When evaluating parents, they look for:

• **Positive indicators:**
• Child-focused decision making
• Ability to co-parent effectively
• Support for the child's relationship with both parents
• Stability and consistency
• Appropriate boundaries
• Following court orders

• **Negative indicators:**
• Involving children in parental conflict
• Undermining the other parent's relationship
• Inability to communicate or cooperate
• Instability or poor judgment
• Disregarding court orders

Every action you take during your divorce is potentially being evaluated. The best thing you can do is consistently demonstrate that your children's wellbeing comes first—ahead of your own feelings about your ex.

When You've Made a Mistake

If you've already made some of these mistakes, don't panic. What matters is what you do going forward:

1. Stop the behavior immediately
2. Don't try to cover it up
3. If appropriate, acknowledge the mistake
4. Focus on demonstrating positive behavior going forward
5. Consider therapy to help manage the emotional challenges

One mistake doesn't define your case, but a pattern of behavior can. Start making better choices today.

Getting Help

If you're struggling with the emotional challenges of divorce and custody, consider:

• Individual therapy for yourself
• A parenting class or divorce support group
• Consultation with your attorney about proper conduct
• Family therapy for you and your children

Your children need you to be your best self right now. The choices you make during this difficult time will affect your relationship with them for years to come.

If you have questions about your custody case or want to discuss your situation, [schedule a consultation](/schedule) with our team.